Thursday, May 26, 2011

A confession​, an apology


When I was younger, much younger, and horrible, really horrible, I was in a kitschy store with my mother and at least one of my two sisters.
Somehow I knew that they had just bought me a miniature teddy bear for my birthday.
The miniature teddy bears were a thing at the time and I have always liked miniature things. No idea why, and I hope desperately that I don't become the kind of grown-ass woman who has a dollhouse*, but I always have.

I remember shoehorning into conversation that I didn't mind what [they] got my for my birthday, as long as it WAS NOT a miniature teddy bear.
I don't know why I said it** but it sickens me to this day. I was malicious for no good reason at all. I am ashamed that I ever acted that way*** and it kills me every time I remember. It really really hurts.
It is the first thing to fly out of my pandora's box of my idea of self.

I am sorry.

To whichever of my darling sisters this was: I am sorry.
To both of my darling sisters: I am sorry. This is just one event, and I'm sure you have your own memories of when I was so hateful. I am sorry.
To my darling parents: I am sorry. You didn't raise me this way, I don't think.

This may be why my family seems to find it difficult to choose presents for me. Because deep inside I have it in me to be deliberately, maliciously, embarassingly hurtful.

I am sorry.

* not that there's anything necessarily WRONG with this, it's just not how I see myself. Same with ladies who wear clothes featuring cartoon animals. I can't stomach it.

** I suspect it's tied up with the whole thing of being the eldest child in my family, and therefore the most "grown-up". A miniature teddybear was "babyish" and I was above such things. Like the one time I went to disneyland (1995) and ended up getting a CD of the Lion King soundtrack while my sisters got stuffed animals (bambi and thumper), I had wanted a stuffed animal too but at age 11 was expected to be older than such nonsense.

*** I am sure things like this happened more frequently but this one sticks in my mind. I'm writing this in an email at work, teary-eyed and ridiculous. I should be older than this nonsense.


  1. This totally breaks my heart, and makes my eyes water!

    I was always SO TERRIFIED of /accidentally/ saying I hated something that my parents had bought me. But at the same time, I was such an evil little shit, so often. Some of the things I said to my Mama when we'd fight make me feel sick. Children can be so nasty :-(

  2. Oh, I'm the same...I hate seeing grown women wearing Pooh Bear sweatshirts or things like that. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong

    We've all done nasty things as children. We don't think about anyone else but ourselves.