Thursday, May 26, 2011

A confession​, an apology


When I was younger, much younger, and horrible, really horrible, I was in a kitschy store with my mother and at least one of my two sisters.
Somehow I knew that they had just bought me a miniature teddy bear for my birthday.
The miniature teddy bears were a thing at the time and I have always liked miniature things. No idea why, and I hope desperately that I don't become the kind of grown-ass woman who has a dollhouse*, but I always have.

I remember shoehorning into conversation that I didn't mind what [they] got my for my birthday, as long as it WAS NOT a miniature teddy bear.
I don't know why I said it** but it sickens me to this day. I was malicious for no good reason at all. I am ashamed that I ever acted that way*** and it kills me every time I remember. It really really hurts.
It is the first thing to fly out of my pandora's box of my idea of self.

I am sorry.

To whichever of my darling sisters this was: I am sorry.
To both of my darling sisters: I am sorry. This is just one event, and I'm sure you have your own memories of when I was so hateful. I am sorry.
To my darling parents: I am sorry. You didn't raise me this way, I don't think.

This may be why my family seems to find it difficult to choose presents for me. Because deep inside I have it in me to be deliberately, maliciously, embarassingly hurtful.

I am sorry.

* not that there's anything necessarily WRONG with this, it's just not how I see myself. Same with ladies who wear clothes featuring cartoon animals. I can't stomach it.

** I suspect it's tied up with the whole thing of being the eldest child in my family, and therefore the most "grown-up". A miniature teddybear was "babyish" and I was above such things. Like the one time I went to disneyland (1995) and ended up getting a CD of the Lion King soundtrack while my sisters got stuffed animals (bambi and thumper), I had wanted a stuffed animal too but at age 11 was expected to be older than such nonsense.

*** I am sure things like this happened more frequently but this one sticks in my mind. I'm writing this in an email at work, teary-eyed and ridiculous. I should be older than this nonsense.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

365 in 2011

Oh Darling 365

Sunday: Weatherbomb
The rain fell and fell and fell. We flooded, just a little. It was a weatherbomb.
Yet, by the time I went to rehearsal, it was sunny.

Monday: Meeting up with a former coworker
Headed out to The Royal to meet up with a former coworker for a lot of talking and a little bit of wine.

Tuesday: Eastbourne for Rehearsal
I headed out to rehearsal. A little glad I had not planned to fish or swim.

Wednesday: Home by 5:30!
We left Wellington promptly and, for the first in what felt like a long time, I was home before it was even a little bit dark.
(I also really like this photo)

Thursday: coworker graduates
We took 10 minutes out from Budget Day to go and see a coworker parade past in his cap and gown.

Friday: lights left on
The lights are on and it's after 5 on a Friday.

Saturday: Filming with ICW boys for V48HRS 2011
I helped out the ICW Productions boys with their V48HRS Film. Possibly called Dirty Laundry, possibly Sock-erpunch, it is a surreal kind of funny.
I played a neighbour.


Saturday Morning

Last night, in Wellington

After I wrapped. Calm calm night.

view larger, on black.