Tales from the graaaaaave ...

In uh, Celebration of the end of my tenure (3 years, 10 months and 11 days ...) at an UNDISCLOSED call centre I have decided to share some of my favourite calls!

Chronologically, from the earliest to the most recent.

me : call centre uber-girl
CG : crotchety gentleman

me : welcome to (undisclosed paint company) you're speaking with Sarah
CG : uhh yes the first sunday of the month- you can take paint in to the store?
me : hm sir you'd be best to check with the store as you've reached the after hours for the technical advice li--
CG : what? why can't you tell me! you SHOULD KNOW. The ALBANY store - you take paint in on the first sunday of the month ... ???
me : well we are here to pass on the contact details of stores, and their hours.
CG : ALBANY. the ALBANY store. we want to take the paint in.
me : okay the number is ***-**** ... but i don't think you can take the paint in there on the first sunday of the month-
CG : what are you saying !?! i thought you didn't know !?!
me : i know the store hours SIR and the albany store is always closed on sundays
CG : .... oh. lets see here ... ohhh WAIRAU PARK. it IS useful talking to you then !!
me : yes sir, have a nice day *headdesk*

The joys of having a common name:
Me : (growling) helloo?
MANAGER : Hi Sarah! wondering if you'd be interested in some extra hours today??
Me : uh john ? i'm in Auckland
MANAGER : Oh! guess you wouldn't be interested then.
Me : yea, not until after the 3rd (when i get back)
MANAGER : ... bu- i thought you'd been put on roster??
Me : (light dawning) oh, i think you've got the wrong Sarah, John, this is Sarah-Rose
MANAGER : Oh no blah blah blah dreadfully sorry.

people amuse me. they amuse me in a very aggravating way.
me : could i have the name of the recipient?
caller : ay?
me : the name of the recipient?
caller : is that where i wanna send it?
me : no, it's the name of the person who is recieving the bouquet
caller : that's what I said *click*

uh no, you said WHERE, i asked for WHO.

caller : i'd like to book in for the 12 ... 12 pm session ... 12 pm HA! that means midnight!!
me : well, no sir, 12am is midnight, 12 pm is noon
caller : hrmpf. we'll have to disagree on that one
me : sure

I just spoke to a most delightful lady who railed at me because I dared imply (And how is that spelled?) that there was more than one spelling to the surname pronounced SM-EYE-TH. Like Smithe and Smyth and Smythe.
I take over a hundred calls each day, I've had it spelled to me each and every way. Names which are homonymous are not neccessarily spelled the same, such as Mckay/Mckie.
Then of course, she pointed out to me in her most disdainful tone that there is a difference between spelling and ProNOUNCE-iation. ha.

A gentleman just called up the WEATHER SERVICE and wanted to know if there was DEFINITELY going to be no rain in christchurch tomorrow.
I told him that definitely is an interesting term to be used with meterology.

me : I'm sorry sir, we don't offer that service through this line but I can give you your local number if you'd like ...
caller : okay, great!
me : ........... I'll need your location sir
caller : (here is usually inserted a snort of derision) oh, WELL it's ********

me : and can i have your surname please?
caller : uh .... uh .... is that your last name?
TWICE. This has happened TWICE in ONE day.

me : can i have your address?
caller : is that your phone number ?
but that kid sounded 4 and adorable.

my boss just rang my phone (an internal call, at work)
boss : did i call you or did you call me?
me : ... uh you called me ...
boss : oh. i must have pushed a button ... there's some kind of call waiting on your phone

I just had a lady go OFF at me because she couldn't understand me. Apparently my "stupid british accent" was too strong for her to understand. This is after she has commented at least THREE times on how bad the line was.
Perhaps it could be the incredible buzzing and distortion on the line that is making it hard for you to understand me ???

me : welcome to ****** ****** ***********, you're speaking with Sarah
caller : hi, Michelle was it?

A caller (from the company who is our tech support for like, EVERYTHING WE USE HERE) just thought that I wouldn't know how to spell his company name, or his name, but that I would magically know that he was calling from Auckland.
The worst thing?
His name was BEN.

me : Welcome to the ********** of *********** recruitment line, you're speaking with Sarah.
caller : Yes, Hi, I'm calling about the Magna Pacific Leather Bag ...
me : I'm sorry? you've reached the ********** of *********** recruitment line, I think you have the wron-
caller : no, this is the number I've called for the Magna Pacific Leather Bag.
me : well, I'm sorry, all we can do on this line is have the ********** of *********** recruitment pack sent out.
caller : no dear, this IS the number to call to get this Magna Pacific Leather Bag so you'r going to-
me : No Ma'am I'm sorry but you really have reached the ********** of *********** recruitment line
caller : this is 0800 **1 **2
me : no ma'am this is 0800 **1 **1 (smirk)
caller : oh - (click)

caller : hey, uhm, I'm filling out this application and it says that I need a Class B drivers Licence ... but uh what if I don't have a licence?
me : well, if it says you need a Class B Licence, (pause) then you need a Class B Licence
caller : oh aye?
me : yea, sorry.

Me : Thanks for calling ****** ****** ***********, you're speaking with Sarah
Caller : Hi, Where are you? Where is your shop?
Me : uh, I'm in Wellington, Sir, our technicians are all over the country but they work oout of their vans.
Caller : So you don't have a shop there?
Me : No, just the office here, our techs work out of their vans.
Caller : oh but I'm looking to get some roller wheels ...
Me : Okay, well I can pass a message on to our technician in your area-
Caller : and I can go to his shop?
Me : No, sir. He works out of his van, he doesn't have a shop.
Caller : oh okay. Can I call him? What is his number?
Me : it is 0274 *** ***
Caller : oh, he doesn't have a landline?
Me : No sir, he works out of his Van.
Caller : oh okay, don't worry about it then. [click]
and then my head exploded.

Me : welcome to ****** ****** ***********, you're speaking with Sarah
Caller : oh yes, hi, I have a commercial aluminium window that has broken struts
Me : okay, well I can have the local tech give you a call and arrange to do that repair for you sir,
Caller : right well we're just down on the waterfront there.
Me: oh we're a nationwide company sir so which waterfront?
Caller : aye?
Me : the waterfront of which city sir? Auckland, Wellington, ...
Caller : Auckland, where are you?
Me : Wellington, sir, so-
Caller : oh Telling-Bone aye? you speak english down there?
Me : ...... excuse m-
Caller : you sound like you speak english ok heh heh heh
Me : oh-kay, well-
Caller : no no don't mind me, I'm just being rude, it's my right
Me : [deepening my voice dramatically] yes sir, you're allowed to be rude and I'm allowed to be annoyed. now can I-
Caller : ho ho! one all! good on ya,
Me : Can I get your name sir?
Caller : don't call me sir, that sets me off. Trevor ***
Me : thank you Trevor, can I get your address ...
And the rest of the call was actually really nice. He stopped being annoying and confrontational and became almost jovial, wishing me a very good day at the end.

caller : the company name is ****** Pro-nounce-iation *****
me : I'm sorry?
caller : ****** ProNOUNCEiation ****
me : ****** ... pro NOUNCE iation?
caller : yes.
me : ... and how are you spelling that?
caller : P-R-O-N-U-N-C-I-A-T-I-O-N
And then my head exploded.

Me : Good morning *******, Sarah-Rose speaking
Caller : Ah yes, can I just go through to the extension please?
Me : sorry, which extension were you after?
Caller : no no I want to go through the extension!
Me : yes, but WHICH extension
Caller : oh, just a second
rustle rustle rustle ... rustle rustle rustle ... rustle rustle
Caller : it's ****

in the middle of a call.
Me : And what title do you go by?
Caller : huh? oh! hah, I don't know, Bitch? ha
Me : uh
Caller : hah, no, uh Mrs.
Me : Hah, okay, thank you.
I was actually speechless!

After deciding that I will organise for an information pack to be sent to him :
Caller : Do you want the first name first or the second name first?
Me : First name first please sir!
Caller : Okay, Smith. S-M-I-T-H
Me : ... Okay and your surname?
Caller : That was the surname. And the first name is John. J-O-H-N
It's times like these that my head and hand feel magnetised.

Easiest call ever!
caller : so this part where it says Programme code? is that were I put the programme code?
me : yes
caller : and where it says Course name? is that were I put the course name?
me : ... yes.
caller : cool thanks
me : ... you're welcome ...

Co-worker : Desiree, that's such a stripper name
Me : ... That's my mother's name!
Co-Worker : Oh ... no! Really?
Me : yes! really! that's never happened to me in real life before.

Caller : so my name is Cassidy Ray
Me : okay ... Cassidy Ray ...
Caller : No no that's Cassidy Rain
Me : Cassidy Rain? right.
Caller : And that's all one name. My surname is ****
Me : Cassidy-Rain? ****?
Caller : And Cassidy's with a K.
Me (incredulous) : Kassidy-Rain? okay ...

Small Victories
talking to a lovely lady regarding a booking for her husband. She gives his surname as Baumgarten and I spell it to her and she replies yes and we move on to the next part of the conversation when I hear in the background a man with an american accent start yelling at her.
Mr Baumgarten : NO! You have to SPELL IT TO HER. B as in BOY, A as in APPLE ...
the phone goes silent and then he's on the line with me. And he's still yelling.
Mr Baumgarten : My Surname is B as in BOY-
Me : Yes sir, I'm aware of that. I spelt it out to the lady I was just speaking to and she confirmed that it was correct.
Mr Baumgarten : Oh. Well.
And he proceeded to be completely horrible for the rest of the call but I still felt a little vindicated.

Me: Welcome to ********, you're speaking with Sarah
Caller: Marmite Marmite Marmite
(click)
Me: What the ....



Interesting Names
(I always forget to note these down)

Female
Veeshayne
Wayna
Kassidy-Rain
Pathfinder
Pepsi
Sally Garden

Male
Celestin
Mr. A. Pauling
Coronation
Nathanial Fairweather
Falstaff

Names I have been called

Vera
Sharon
Karen
Sandra
Christine
Yvonne
Michelle
Cheryl

As of 2:30pm 3:30pm* I am now officially unemployed.
For the first time since I was ... 16? fun.
It also makes the trip seem very very close.

*heee! I covered for someone on my last day.

	Days to go
Finishing work	0 days
Leaving Wellington	10 days
Leaving New Zealand	17 days
Arriving Bangkok	31 days
Arriving London	50 days

Caller : Thanks Sandra! oops! I mean Sharon, sorry.
Me (Sarah) : ... That's fine. Thank you.

Happy Easter, Baby! (Giant Head)

A drawing of me-as-a-baby with an easter bunny.

It was a present, given to my mother by a student of hers when I was still that small.
She (the student) then recognised me when I was 7 and again at 9, nice to know my face matured from that of a two-year-old.

p.s. I swear, I am smiling in that photo.
p.p.s. I still don't celebrate easter (zombie jesus!) but I enjoy the drawing.

9th November 2004 - 1st April 2007

Craig and I lived in our little house for 2 years, 3 months and 20 days.
It was the first house we lived in alone & the first house we lived in as Mr & Mrs.



Bu-bye Little House



Bu-bye Local Loon.



Just after we'd closed the door for the last time.


And now, we're sleeping at my parents' house in that cute little box-room I was so worried about. I shouldn't have.
(It used to belong to Jayne but she took my room when I moved out, so now we've switched!)
We made it super-organised and Craig and I fit almost comfortably! I like to think that it's preparing us for living in hotel rooms and flats and apartments.



For a tour of our little green and blue and white box room click here

like the jaws theme only sadder and as performed by Sarah's Inner Voice

Oh please oh please don't hang about inside my head too long, you'll start to notice the faint sobbing that underscores most of my thoughts right now.
Don't worry, it's not terrified or melancholy, just the faint human-violin whine of so many things to do, so many things to get rid of, so many things to buy.

You may know that it's coming up to the point where Craig and I are giving up our little flat and moving back in with my parents. We organised our insurance before we booked our tickets and the month delay caught up with us. So we will live in a very green, very little box room for a month before we leave Wellington. And everything that we are taking to London will live with us for that month before we leave.

This means we have to live out of packs for a month.
When I think about it too hard I hear a sort of keening in my head, like the jaws theme only sadder and as performed by Sarah's Inner Voice.
Granted the pack is over half as tall as I am, and pretty much as wide. But still, I have to pack a whole wardrobe in there!

I have had to ... streamline my wardrobe. No longer do I have 4 pairs of jeans, or 6 jackets of which precisely none are entirely waterproof.

To make it worse we are visiting most disparate climates. New Zealand is cooling (seeping) into the dank moist depths of Autumn (sodden fallen leaves), Australia is likely to be chilly in Melbourne but still warm in the middle-of-nowhere town in New South Wales we are visiting (described in terms of Where it's near. Only noone's heard of those places either), then Bangkok will be just easing out of the hottest part of the year (and I may just melt) and finally we arrive in London for Summer.
I don't half make it difficult for myself. But in the immortal words of Rory Gilmore Packing for all contingencies. Got it. Light layers.

In my desperation for streamlining I also have tried to make sure that most things will go with most other things. This has lead to a wardrobe of Black, White and Grey. I like to think of it as Monochromanticism but really? it's just a little drab. Even though I love Grey, and look great in White (oh the irony) and well, Black is just Black (♥) I still find myself despairing. And so, in a fit of pique last night I lashed out and bought a purple shirt. It is knit with princess sleeves and a teeny tiny knit pattern. And buttons! wow it sounds weird. But it's Aubergine and beautiful.

And now, having completely turned my mood around I will leave you with yet another table :

	Days to go
Moving out	4 days
Finishing work	17 days
Leaving Wellington	34 days
Leaving New Zealand	41 days
Arriving Bangkok	55 days
Arriving London	74 days

It's all happening. It's all happening.

Two reviewers saw it and loved it. You missed out.

If you couldn't make it to the Butterfly Creek Theatre Troupe Bard in the Yard production for 2007 then really, you missed out.

We had amazing audiences. On the last night it ended up being standing room only and the two reviewers who attended (and wrote about it) were very praising.

Here is a little video I recorded at our final dress rehearsal.
It is the "Bergomask dance" performed by the Mechanicals in the final act. And very very funny. Not least because I got to see the father of a dear friend of mine wearing tights. And now you all can too.



This weekend our troupe is going to take Stratford (Taranaki, not upon-Avon) by storm and when we get back I really have to get my head out of the sand and get started on this whole moving out business.

The beginning of the end ...

February is over and I am glad. Mainly because I don't have to see this :



every morning in my kitchen. Because, Hi Da Vinci? I love you but that guy is Scary.

March 2007 also means the beginning of the end. By the end of this month Craig and I will have our little home dismantled and we will be living out of bags and boxes at my parents house, all in preparation for our trip to London.

All the tickets are booked and paid for, our places are booked on our Intrepid tour and I am caught between excited and terrified (I think this is best. Terrified means I end up prepared and Excited means I am ... well, Excited).

It's the beginning of the end. And I make lists and count days.

	Days to go
Dream closes	2 days
Moving out	29 days
Finishing work	43 days (approx)
Leaving Wellington	60 days
Leaving New Zealand	67 days
Arriving Bangkok	81 days
Arriving London	100 days

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll ... and Zimmerframes

Last night, in my driveway, I co-choreographed a dance with zimmerframes.
It was perhaps one of the most surreal moments of my life to have the perhaps-less-than-completely-sane man from across the street peer at us like we were crazy.

The Butterfly Creek Theatre Troupe is staging their annual Bard in the Yard and this year it is :


click to enlarge

A Midsummer Night's Dream

A part of the Wellington Fringe Festival
Performing nightly from the 27th February to the 3rd March.
7:30pm at the Muritai School Yard.

Reason 8546 I love my husband

He understands that sometimes, despite being completely skint, I need a Cactus.


(click to enlarge)

I think it might be Titanopsis schwantesii. But what do I know?


(click to enlarge)


Just as I fell hard for the alien pylons stalking across the plains around the Desert Rd, I have fallen for the tongue-pads that this cactus has instead of spines.

And Darling-Dear Craig understood that, and bought my tiny little three-dollar love for me even though we only went in to get weed killer.

For more photos? click here : Sweet Little Alien Cactus

What can I say? ... uh ... I'm a Libra?

So in One (1) week I'll more than likely (thanks raise!) be ordering an ipod (yes, I know, ipods are evil blah blah blah).
A white 30g ipod. And I'm getting it through the official website which lets me get it engraved.
And I am a total geek for engraving/personalisation.

BUT! I need help. Because





Option One



My name and Ad astra per aspera (to the stars through difficulty).

Option Two



My name and a quote from W.B. Yeats.

Option Three



My name and my absolute-favourite-word, an archaic word meaning of the evening/nighttime
BUT I have a bracelet which I wear a lot of the time which says Vespertine. It might be overkill.

Option Four



My name and Ecce Cor Meum (Behold my heart).
a little ... I think it makes me gag.

Option Five(ish)



I could have my full name with any of the one-line options. Like Vespertine.

Option Six



A line from one of my favourite poems, Spring by Gerard Manly Hopkins.

Option Seven



From another of my favourite poems, Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda.

Option Eight



From a poem by Sylvia Plath (I think it's Mad Girl's Love Song)

Option Nine



From The Tempest.

Option Ten



Simply : Vespertine

Option Eleven



Simply : Oh Darling

Option Twelve



Simply : Panda
again, I have a bracelet which says Panda.

Option Thirteen



Simply : Dracula


I think the shorter ones are my favourites at the moment. But please vote and help me out! Seriously!

OR!! you could make suggestions as well.




So please help me because I don't want it to end up like this :




(Craig's no use. He's a Gemini.)

Life is an ocean, and love is a boat ...

Craig and I made it to one year!



(like there was ever any doubt)

We celebrated with a picnic in the park (cemetary) where we had our wedding photos taken.



The rain helf off until we were finished eating and packing everything up, thankfully. I clambered about (in 3 inch wedge heels no less!) and took photos.

I despair for the monotony of modern grave stones. Victorian graves seem ever so sculptural.





I loved the tiling on this grave. It's so incongruous.



Can you tell I love the decay? I would love to live in a house like Miss Haversham's.
Well, only externally like that, I wouldn't want cobwebs and old wedding food everywhere.



(the full set can be viewed here)


We also celebrated this first-of-many anniversary with presents of bracelets (and no, I didn't think about and I am now ignoring all imagery of shackles). Marc by Marc Jacobs for Craig (Latin and leather) and silver and diamonds for me (Australian not Blood).



If the first year is the hardest (as they all say) and the first cut is the deepest then it should be ... smooth sailing form here on out.
(damn I hate that cliché but I've had the title song stuck in my head for days now and I'm hoping that using sailing metaphors will exorcise it)
London here we come!!

(one hundred and forty one days and counting)